Post Grad Problems Blog

 Stage 1: Denial

You’ve been living this life for nearly the better part of a decade now. All of the sudden, with one fell swoop of tens of thousands of dollars of your parents’ money, and a fancy piece of paper, it’s been taken away from you. There’s no way it could end this quickly, right? This life felt like it was going to last forever. No, it can’t be over. You’ll think to yourself, “I’m still going to enjoy the company of my best friends every day and drink my weight in Rumplemintz every night, right? RIGHT?! They can’t take this away from me. I won’t let them. I’m not even 23 yet and the world is expecting me to become an adult?” You almost made yourself believe this day would never come, but it did.

Common symptoms:

-Randomly showing up in your college town on weeknights.

-Moving back in with your parents.

-Refusing to hold a job.

-Enrolling in grad school where you got your bachelor’s degree.

Stage 2: Anger

Now that it’s ended, you’re upset. Your life has been totally shell-shocked. This is the way the world works and you refuse to accept it. You’ve gotten so used to late night pizza runs, five-day benders and spur-of-the-moment road trips on a Wednesday. Now those have been replaced with 10 o’clock bedtimes, morning meetings, job interviews and trying to figure out how the hell a health insurance deductible works. You’re frustrated with the everyday minutia that comes with being an adult. You were a fool to think college was real life. You’ve never felt this unprepared for a challenge before.

Common symptoms:

-Lashing out at friends and co-workers.

-Road rage.

-Excessive grunting at the gym.

-Blacking out at happy hour.

Stage 3: Bargaining

At this point, it’s probably a few weeks after you’ve graduated and you’re just trying to figure out ways to get it back. You start looking at grad school programs or maybe even going back to get another degree. Unfortunately, you’ve been officially cut off by your parents, and you’ve seen the interest rates on student loans these days. Maybe just a quick visit back to campus this summer will cure your woes? Nope. If anything, that’ll just make it worse. You’d trade just about anything to go back to school. You’re irrationally blinded by separation anxiety that your life is not nearly as bad as you’re making it seem to be.

Common symptoms:

-Concerned friends.

-Obsessing over old Facebook photo albums.

-Drunk dialing ex-college flings.

-Ordering several drinks at lunch.

Stage 4: Depression

There’s no telling how long this stage may last. It might haunt you until your mid-20s, maybe later. Your body can’t handle liquor the way it used to, and that makes you sad, because being drunk is the best.  Drinking responsibly used to seem like a joke to you when you heard it in commercials, now it’s a creed you fervently believe in. You start showing up for work early, find yourself working later and distancing yourself from your friends. The peaks seem shorter and valleys seem deeper in your life as you begin to try and erase the memories of the past with work. You inexplicably start enjoying morning radio and are becoming skilled at the art of cooking dinner for one. This is what your life has become. Your journey into normalcy has begun and there’s nothing you can do to stop it. You feel totally helpless.

Common symptoms:

-Eating lunch by yourself in your car.

-Drinking by yourself.

-Increased eye rolling at weddings.

-Noted increase in willingness to be the designated driver.

Stage 5: Acceptance

It happens for everyone at one point or another. You can’t live life as a college kid anymore. You have bills, a career and people who depend on you. You don’t have to like what your life has become, but you must realize that like it or not, you’ve become an adult. Your Peter Pan syndrome will melt away a little more with each passing day. You realize that while it’s not appropriate to drown yourself in Jim Beam at the bar every night, it is acceptable to cut loose on the weekends. This is the price you pay to be a self-sustaining adult. You have to live on coffee, pay bills, make small talk at the office and your body will no longer be able to handle the abuse you once put it through. Just accept it and don’t be that person who thinks they’re still in college.

Common symptoms:

-Paying bills on time.

-Knowing your limits.

-Having a good credit score.

-Enjoying soft rock.

                               

1. Getting down on one knee would only flare up an old golfing injury.

2. The only ring that three months salary will get you can be found at the bottom of a Cracker Jack box.

3. Thinking about seeing yourself in a staged engagement photo is enough to make you punch yourself in the face.

4. A single two-minute, non-emotional phone call to your mother per week is sufficient. No reason to needlessly work her into hysterics.

5. Your first instinct for the wedding registry is “shit ton of paper plates.”

6. You can’t be expected to pick a wedding date without knowing what your future schedule holds, namely, how well your alma mater’s football team will be doing in two years, and you guys had a strong recruiting class this winter.

7. Women tend to frown upon eating Hot ‘N Readys during important date nights.

8. Bachelor party strippers haven’t been the same since you saw the trannies in Hangover II.

9. Changing your relationship status on Facebook is too much work since Zuckerberg changes the layout every nine minutes.

10. You’re still hugely afraid to meet her old man.

11. And you’re not meeting her mom until your funeral, either.

12. The only baby names you can think of are inspired by your favorite characters on Scrubs.

13. Mila Kunis is still a possibility.

14. A strict “in-bed-and-sleeping-by-9:00-pm” honeymoon policy sounds amazing.

15. Every day in your cubicle, you spend eight hours in the same box. Why spend each night doing the same?

16. All those women gathering for a bridal shower will attract bears to your living room.

17. When your buddy asked you if you’ve tied the knot, you assumed he meant a noose around your penis’ freedom.

18. You’re not ready for the self-esteem blow that comes with a free gym membership as a wedding gift.

19. Your court-ordered ban from Vegas doesn’t expire for another five years.

20. Engagement ring. Wedding ring. Suffering.

                                 

The Way Too In Love, Not Married Couple

They dated all throughout college, but haven’t quite taken the plunge like some of their friends already have. They’ll slow dance and grind the entire night, despite not drinking all that much. It’s actually really fucking weird. They make everyone uncomfortable with baby talk at the dinner table, and refuse to keep their hands to themselves. Pray that you don’t get seated with them, or you and your date are in for the most incredibly awkward dinner of your lives. She’ll constantly be in his lap, creepily staring at the bride and groom during their first dance, and he will not stop kissing her on her shoulders, back, neck and any other place on her body with exposed skin. You wish these two would just get it over with and elope already. You can’t be too upset with them though, because they’re guaranteed to have sex tonight, and well, you’re not.

The Sloppy Friend(s) Of The Bride

It’s not a solid wedding unless one of the good friends of the bride is an absolute mess before, during and after the nuptial festivities. She lost it as the bride walked down the aisle. She lost it during the reading of Corinthians 13:4. She lost it during the vows. She lost it during the father of the groom’s speech. She lost it on the dance floor. She lost it at the bar after the reception. Mascara was running down her face before the sun went down, and every guy at the reception had an internal “should I or should I not” debate with themselves about approaching this woman. On one hand, you’re almost guaranteed to hook up with her in her vulnerable state, and on the other, you may end up with a sputtering, blabbering, drunken mess of a ticking biological time bomb. Proceed with caution.

The Drunken Man-Child

His tie was off before the reception even started. He was pounding scotch at cocktail hour, and has been hitting on every single female in attendance, regardless of age. This guy is single, in his mid-30s, and is a distant relative of the bride or groom. He thinks he’s your best friend since you sat next to him at dinner. You have to wonder what his personal life is like with the way he’s acting in public. Does he have friends? Has he ever had a girlfriend? Who the hell invited this guy? He’s a drunken mess before dinner is even served, and will be annoying everyone at his table with stories about him going to Atlantic City back when he was in his 20s. He didn’t come with a date, so he’s going to be hitting on yours all night. A member of the bridal party will eventually pull him aside to tell him to get his shit together. The bartender cuts him off before “Shout” is even played, and he’ll be spilling liquor all over the place. Finally, the groom will have to step in and assert his dominance over the inebriated attendee and a groomsman will escort him back to his hotel room where he will spend yet another night by himself in bed.

The Ring Leader

A cousin of the bride, he’s been the biggest hit of the day so far, charming all the aunts and uncles in attendance with his charisma at the ceremony and reception. Everyone wants him to date their daughter, niece or co-worker. He politely declines all invitations and scouts the bridal party for single bridesmaids. His flawless execution of the “Running Man” and “Cha-Cha Slide” will leave all females in attendance moist and wanting. He is seen ordering shots at the bar on several occasions, and the wedding photographer seems to be following him around. As the star of the show, he will have his choice of any of the many fine women in attendance. A conga line forms behind him late in the night, and bridesmaids rush to plant their hands on his hips, trying to lure him into the middle of the dance floor for a makeout party. No one else who came stag has a chance and will be forced to feed off of the scraps from his bountiful table of poon.

The Jailbait Cousin

Every man in attendance, single and otherwise, has been asking himself the same question, “Is she eighteen?” No one knows the answer, and everyone is too scared to ask a member of the family that might actually know. It’s obvious that she’s off-limits, even if she was over the legal age of consent. The risk is simply too high. She’s there with her parents, and even if you could close, she’s going to be a stage-five clinger. It’s just too good to pass up though. This girl has an amazing body, gorgeous face and a teenage demureness that is going to drive you insane. Wait for her to sneak a few drinks from the bar and plan your move. Open with the “So when do you graduate?” question and hope that she tells you about her freshman year of college. Tell yourself that the “half your age plus seven” rule only applies to dating, so you’re in the clear. Hope that her parents duck out early and get your creep on. You’re aging by the minute and this may be your last chance at an excusable encounter with a teenager. If she isn’t of age, circle the wagons and get back out on the dance floor to find a more age-appropriate mate for the night.

The Wedding Crasher Wannabe

This guy is probably still in high school and this being his first wedding, thinks he’s hot shit. He’s been bragging at the lunch table all month about how he’s going to “score so much trim” at his second cousin’s wedding. He watched “Wedding Crashers” every single night of the week leading up to the ceremony, and thinks he’s got the moves to close on the gaggle of 20-something females in attendance. His mom caught him sneaking a bottle of peppermint schnapps into the bathroom. If this kid just had half a brain, he’d realize that a groomsman or two would gladly take him under their wings and show him the ropes of how to throw down at a wedding reception. This young fella has not yet mastered the art of wedding dancing, but he doesn’t realize how much he still has to learn. Patience, young man. There are still many of these in your future. Watch and learn, kid. Watch and learn.

The Inappropriate Drunk

The consummate party animal in college, and good friend of the groom, this guy was well known throughout your college burg at every bar, tavern and sorority formal. Even though he’s graduated, he still thinks he’s in college and that it’s appropriate to get blackout drunk at any hour of the day. He’s not even in the bridal party and has already tried to give multiple speeches at the reception. The security deposit on the venue will likely be lost due to this guy’s blacked out shenanigans. He’ll have to be removed from the dance floor several times and be given numerous “get your shit together, man” pep talks throughout the night. He’s tried to fight the best man twice and will end up embarrassing himself more than anyone that night, so at least you’ve got that going for you. He’ll be power washing the men’s room toilet before the cake has even been cut, and much like the Drunken Man-Child, he’ll eventually have to be escorted back to his hotel room to sleep off the entire bottle of Johnnie Walker Blue he drank by himself.

                                                     

If you were a normal kid in grade school, you had an AOL Instant Messenger account. Now, if you want to have some semblance of sanity at work, you use Gchat on a regular basis. Gchat takes me back, man. I blew up AIM like gangbusters. I had so many buddies that I had to separate them into different groups just to keep track of all of them. One group for guys and one group for girls, naturally. But then I broke them down into what school they went to, where they lived, if they went to CYO dances. I got really into it.

My away messages were pretty on point too. Maybe that’s why my Twitter game is top notch? I’d leave to do some homework and leave something up like, “brb doin’ some hw lol.” If hashtags had been around back then, I’m certain I’d have been all over that too.

Soon, AIM was dead in my circle of friends and I had moved on to more modern pursuits of interaction. Xanga, MySpace, and Facebook all sprouted up around my senior year of high school, and I no longer felt the need to continue using AIM. The rise in popularity in text messaging in the early 2000s also probably contributed to the demise of AIM.

But now as I sit at my desk on most days, I’ll pull up good old Gchat and reminisce about AIM and how familiar the two are. I usually have multiple chat windows up throughout the day, and still find myself saying “brb” and “lol” out of habit. Also, who invented abbreviations? How much time and energy was spent trying to explain things like “ttyl” or “brb” or “l8r” or “rofl” or “lmao” to people? I wasn’t much for the abbreviations. I was a straight shooter on AIM.

Looking back, you can almost make the argument that AIM and AOL were the original social medias. Who would’ve thought that going into the “Lesbian Encounters 401” chat room was your first experience with digital, human-to-human interaction that was going to be such a big part of your life? That some 40-year-old dude from Ohio pretending to be a buxom, latina lesbian from Miami was one of your first of many partners in digital communication?

The AIM away message could very well have been the genesis of most social media as well. Away messages were like the original tweets. The shorter, more to the point and funnier they were, the better they were. It’s always interesting to look back on where we came from and how we got here and the correlations between AIM and Gchat, Facebook Messenger and other cool shit that hasn’t been invented yet, are vast. We are the digital generation and AOL Instant Messenger was our first dip into the world of online communication that we value so greatly for wasting time to this day.

A tip of the cap is in order to you, AIM. Where would we be without you? We wouldn’t know how to speak online, text one another or even send short emails. You taught us the ways of how to communicate with one another via the magic of the information superhighway.

1. Babies

People are having babies, and they are constantly posting pictures of their spawn on Facebook and Instagram.  With every passing month there are less pictures of hot girls in bikinis doing body shots off of each other on spring break, and more pictures of drooling miniature people occupying your Facebook news feed.  It’s a constant reminder that while other people have become adults, you remain in a perpetual state of arrested development.

2. The Gym

It seems like every loser with a Gold’s Gym membership is determined to constantly remind you that they work out.   You can’t get through an Instagram refresh session without seeing some tool flexing his abs in the mirror.  Admittedly, it’s less annoying when it’s an attractive member of the opposite sex shamelessly flaunting their toned post-grad bod, but it’s still a pathetic call for attention.

3. People Who Use Facebook Like It’s Twitter

Everybody has at least one friend on Facebook who updates their status with useless information that’s meant for Twitter.

“Heading to the Miami Heat game tonight. Really looking forward to seeing LeBron dominate.”

Thanks for keeping us updated, bandwagon nerd.  Get a Twitter account.  That’s what it’s for.

4. Engagement Photos

You can’t sign in without coming across another engagement announcement. It’s like Father Time is slapping you in the face with every "She said yes!" status. Nothing is worse than the engagement photo album, though. How many different poses and photo shoot locations are necessary to prove that you are truly in love?

5. Vacation Updates

Just because you’re on vacation in the British Virgin Islands doesn't mean you have to rub it in our faces. Think about your friends who are sitting in their cubicles at their shitty jobs, suffering from mild depression, before you upload 426 photos of you frolicking on the beach across every single form of social media. You’re having a good time. We get it. Stop rubbing it in.

6. Pet Obsession

There is a line when it comes to uploading photos of your pet. If the ratio is so far skewed that there are five pictures of your cat for every one photo of you, you’re doing it wrong. Everybody loves their pets, but we don’t need a new photo every time "Sprinkles" has a bowel movement. For the love of God, control yourself.

7. Throwback Thursday

Everybody gets one. If your Instagram is filled with “Throwback Thursday” pictures and nothing else, it only serves as confirmation for the rest of the world that your current life sucks ass.  Go out and do something worthy of some new pictures, and quit living in the past.

8. Connecting On LinkedIn

Just because we sat next to each other in third grade history class doesn’t mean we need to connect on LinkedIn.  My job sucks, your job sucks more, we can’t help each other, and there’s no reason for us to “connect.”

9. Pictures Of Food

You just posted a picture of your 6-ounce sirloin at Chili’s, including a geo tag.  Are you fucking kidding me?   We’re all really impressed, guy.  That’s once in a lifetime fine dining, right there.  Unless you’re posting a photo of a meal prepared by a world-class chef that is going to melt my brain and truly be worthy of the hashtag #foodporn, spare us.

10. Happiness

If you have to constantly remind everyone of how perfect your life is, how great everything is going, and how #blessed you are, then you’re miserable and we know it.  Either that or you’re just an annoying braggart.  Cram it up your ass.

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