Post Grad Problems Blog » College

                           

Thursday

4:00pm: Receive “Let’s go to back this weekend” text from friend.

4:01pm: Respond “FUCK. YES.”

4:02-5:00pm: Get zero work done and look at Facebook pictures from sophomore year.

5:30-9:00pm: Eat. Workout. Do grown up stuff.

10:00pm: You’re too excited to sleep.

Friday

2:00am: You finally fall asleep after your fifteenth viewing of fail compilation videos from 2009.

7:00am: Wake up. Regret watching 15 fail videos.

9:00am-5:00pm: Cruise control.

5:01pm: Hustle back home. Pack weekend bag. Call your ride. 

5:02pm: Call friend still in college. Make reservations for two on couches.

5:15pm: Liquor store run. Buy super expensive bottle of tequila for no other reason besides to show off your $35k plus bennies salary.

5:30pm: Hit the road. Play Calvin Harris’s “Sweet Nothing” five times in the first hour to really set the tone.

6:45pm: Awkward silence after you and your friend realize how tired you are.

6:50-7:30pm: Should’ve stuck to just Red Bull on the drive over. You’re beer-tired and take a quick nap.

7:45pm: Arrive at friend’s house just off campus.

8:00pm: Begin drinking heavily.

 

8:45pm: Horrifying realization that you might not be able to keep up.

8:46pm: Eat. Eat something. For the love of God, eat.

9:15pm: Time to hit the bars.

9:20pm: Yell at the bouncer for not checking your ID.

9:25pm: Slam down the AmEx and order a round of beers and bombs for you and your group of friends.

9:30pm: Wonder how the fuck this bar can stay open when they charge 30 dollars total for six bombs and six beers.

9:45pm: Feelin’ it.

10:00pm: Get mauled by group of girls that haven’t seen you since homecoming.

10:05pm: Bombs and beers for the girls.

10:10pm: Laugh at bar tab again.

10:15pm-12:00am: Start fading away.

Saturday

12:15am: Time to hit the next bar.

12:20am: Try to keep it under control in the street and act like an adult.

12:21am: Scream like an animal and run down the street to the next bar.

12:30am: Friends are nowhere to be found. On the verge of blackout.

12:45am: Finally find friends at the bar. Realize you were totally that drunk idiot at the bar by himself.

1:00am: Last call. Round up crew for after bars.

1:15am: Beer run. Spend $200+ dollars on beer for after hours. Why?

1:30am: Play beer pong with a sophomore who abandons your side after realizing how old you are.

1:45-4:00am: Blacked out.

7:00am: Wake up with a head splitting headache.

7:00-9:00am: Attempt to fall back asleep. No use.

9:05am: McDonald’s breakfast.

10:00am-12:00pm: Drift in and out of sleep while watching SportsCenter.

12:01pm: Seriously debate going back home as your anxiety and depression begin to rise.

12:05pm: Start drinking again.

12:07pm: Realize this isn't the beer you spent $200 on because that's all gone. Regret.

12:15-2:00pm: Hangover is gone, buzz has kicked in again. Anxiety and depression wilt away with every sip of liquor.

2:05pm: Regret finishing school in four years.

2:08pm: Check bank account. Cease regretting finishing school in four years.

2:15pm: Time for food again. Try to keep it healthy. Get veggies on your Chipotle burrito.

3:00pm: Back to the bar. Keep it under control with some beers, a couple of bloody marys.

3:30pm: Nope.

3:45pm: Car bombs. Tequila. Red Bull & vodkas.

6:00pm: Time for more food. Nachos. RIP your diet.

7:00pm: Head back to buddy’s house. Get ready for the night.

7:15pm: Buddy’s house is out of hot water. Drink more.

7:45pm: Finally there’s hot water. Beer shower.

8:00-9:15pm: Pre-game. Be proud of yourself for making it this far. You’ve still got it.

9:30pm: Throw up over the balcony.

9:45pm: Get reinvigorated by your puke n’ rally.

10:00pm: Back to the bars.

10:15pm: Mauled by another group of girls you haven’t seen since homecoming.

10:45pm: See ex-hookup buddy across the bar. Shoot them a smile. They don’t return the favor.

10:46pm: Time to get drunker.

11:15pm: Scout the bar for anyone you know.

11:45pm: Sit at the bar for 30 minutes with buddy and take shots.

Sunday

12:30am: Get approached by ex-hookup buddy you saw earlier.

12:31-1:00am: Hazy conversation and perhaps a confession of love that leads to making out until closing time.

1:15am: Head back to buddy’s house with ex-hookup. Door is locked. No one home.

1:20-1:30am: Makeout in front of buddy’s house with ex-hookup.

1:31am: Attempt to break-in to house. No dice.

1:45am: Buddy finally shows up with large group of friends.

2-2:45am: Beer pong with ex-hookup buddy.

3:00am: Everyone goes to bed.

3:30am: Drunken sex with hookup buddy. Not as good as you remember it.

4:00am: Pass out.

7:00am: Wake up. Ex-hookup is gone. You’re kind of thankful you don’t have to go through with round two.

7:30am: Think about waking up friend and leaving, but you’re still completely shitfaced.

7:45-10:00am: Pretend to sleep. Sober up.

10:15am: Drag friend off couch, shower and hit the road.

10:31am: You miss McDonald’s breakfast by one minute. Settle for a McChicken and McDouble.

11:00am-12:30pm: Nap

12:31pm: Get woken up by your buddy nearly driving the car off the road because he’s so tired.

12:32pm: Offer to drive.

12:33-1:45pm: Drive home. Go through several bottles of water, yet miraculously never stop to pee.

2:00pm: Get back home.

2:30pm-10pm: Wallow in depression, yet bask in the glory that was your weekend back on campus.

10:00pm: You could easily pass out and get a great night’s sleep to re-charge the batteries for the week.

10:01pm: Start watching fail compilations.

                                 

1. Get Your Shit Together

Yes, this is the most generic piece of advice anyone can give. Seriously, though, get your shit together. You can’t go out five nights a week anymore. If you rage like you did while you were in college in the real world, and are not physically and mentally exhausted during every waking moment, you’re probably an alcoholic or have some sort of super-evolved, metabolically advanced liver, and if that’s the case you should contact some sort of scientist so we can clone it. Either way, people aren’t impressed with how much you can drink anymore. People get concerned about this “substance abuse” crap all the time in the real world, and it could end up costing you big time. Get your shit together.

2. Travel 

Ask anyone, and they’ll tell you that the best time they ever had in their life was the trip they took right after graduating from college. Take your graduation money from your friends and family, or save up for a few months, pick somewhere you’ve always wanted to go and just go. Spend a couple of weeks abroad with a couple of friends, or if you’re weird, by yourself, and see the world. Eat weird stuff, drink weird stuff and do weird stuff. You can’t understand what anyone is saying to you, so fuck it. Get weird.

3. Go Back To Your College Town Sparingly

There are shades of gray to this one. If you have football or basketball season tickets, go ahead. You’ve paid for the privilege to grace your old campus with your presence. But if you’re showing up at dollar bottle Tuesdays or double well Wednesdays at your old favorite college bars, you’ve got issues. You had four or five or six years to take advantage of being in college, hopefully you got the most out of your experience. You gotta let it go and move on. Weekends and game days only.

4. Embrace Being Cut Off

The most horrifying moment for me after college was getting cut off by my parents, but it was a valuable lesson. I barely knew how to handle the money that my parents gave me in college, and now they expect me to learn how to handle my own? Just know your expenses each month, don’t buy stupid shit, besides liquor and trips to Vegas, and whatever you do, don’t ever go grocery shopping when you’re hungry. Otherwise, you’ll see a grocery bill higher than that tab you ran up at the piano bar during your senior pub-crawl.

5. Disassociate With Losers

A wise man once said “no man is a failure who has friends.” I find that statement to be incredibly true, but also incredibly bullshit. Of course, everyone has a friend or two that are down on their luck, and you‘d like to help them out. That‘s fine. You‘re a human. Be human. However, if this person is unable to find and hold a job, always mooching for dinner, drinks and pretty much anything else for an extended period of time, cut them out. Also, if you think someone just sucks as a person, even if they do have their shit together, disassociate with them. The quality of friends becomes much more important than the quantity of friends you have as you get older. We’re all adults here, so stop answering their calls, ignore their texts and talk about them behind their back like a normal person.

6. Date Around

It’s a nightmare, and it’s even worse if you’re an awkward kind of person. If you didn’t find your mate in college, now’s the time. Work with the slow-play or put the full-court press on right after graduation. Your soulmate, if you believe in that kind of crap, is out there, and it’s up to you to find them. More than that, you’ve got to get yours somehow. It isn’t as easy as college. Girls were everywhere. EVERYWHERE. For me, seeing 50 smoking hot babes a day was the average in college. Now, if I see more than one hot girl a day, I consider it a good week. Wining and dining will be necessary, as standards have gone through the roof now that you’ve got a diploma. Just think of “standards” as certain prerequisites to sex that didn‘t exist in college. There are plenty of fish in the sea, but the waters in postgrad life are nowhere near as bountiful as they were in college.

7. Go To Vegas 

If you didn’t go during college, go now while you’re still young and can get away with that excuse. Odds are that you’re going to end up there at some point in the first couple of years for multiple birthdays and bachelor parties anyway. Open up a separate bank account for this trip and, wait. No. You know what? Fuck that. You're young. Put the whole thing on a credit card and worry about it later. Worst-case scenario, someone gets arrested or dies. Best-case scenario, everyone has an awesome time and at least half of your crew gets laid. The pure entertainment of the Vegas airport on Sunday morning alone will be worth the price of the trip, even though you‘ll be part of the large cast of the most hungover group of people you‘ve ever seen. Sleep sparingly, gamble, flirt, hook up, go to titty bars, spend all of your money and try to look normal come Monday morning.

8. Stay In Touch

Graduation is like the origination of the universe. A big bang. You and your friends are going to be spread out across the country come May, and all of the sudden you might find yourself in a city with one or two friends while all of your other friends are scattered from Boston to San Diego. The thought of making new friends nauseates you, as protocol for making friends after graduation can be a chore in itself, mostly because you’re probably going to have to do it sober. Hit the road in the year after graduation to visit your old friends, visit new cities, get really drunk with them, do weird shit with them and then up and vanish like Keyser Soze on Sunday morning. You already spend Monday through Friday with people you don’t like at your job, so spend a weekend with those whose company you enjoy.

9. Don’t Go Changin’

People get older and less fun with every day. College ending doesn’t mean that much. Becoming an adult doesn't mean you have to grow up. You’re still 22 or 23 with a gigantic chunk of your life left. Is that horrifying? Yes. Does it have to be? Not really. Get a little bit more responsible, but still have fun. Just because you have a “job” doesn’t mean you can’t be awesome. Get drunk at happy hour, date around, buy awesome shit with all the money you have now, impress people with all the awesome shit you have now and figure out what you want with your life when you’re 30, or whatever.

 

Arrival

In an ideal world you’d take Friday off and pull into town around 6 or 7 o’clock. This leaves plenty of time to drop shit off at your hotel, and more importantly, enjoy a good meal (never underestimate the importance of Friday dinner). Odds are you’re already exhausted from dicking around during another 40-hour workweek, and you don’t want to make the rookie mistake of charging the bar on an empty stomach. Pace yourself or you may end up with a pre-midnight blackout and a lot of explaining to do on Saturday.

If you do take Friday off, you’re going to be tempted to make a Thursday night entrance into town. Avoid doing this. Look, it sounds like a great idea: three nights in a row plugged back in to the false reality that is the collegiate matrix. However, it never ends well. Thursday night is widely known to induce bedwetting, and it’s easy to burn yourself out. You’ll probably be one of the few alumni in town at that point, so you’ll be forced to try and keep up with 20 year olds who take part in this type of debauchery on a regular basis. You’re not a kid anymore. You could get hurt. There won’t be anyone there to act as your moral compass. Studies have shown that you’re three times as likely to end up in jail on an alcohol related offense if you arrive on Thursday. Although no one will come out and say it, people will begin to tire of your mid-twenties meltdown, and you’re gonna have a bad time.

Summary: Don’t be 3-night guy because you’ll go to jail and people will hate you.

“So, what are you doing these days?”

It’s inevitable. You’re going to hear this question no less than 25 times throughout the weekend. No matter what your profession is, there’s a great chance that you’ll find yourself in this type of situation.

Sample Conversation: Finance

Person 1: “What are you doing now?”
You: “I’m doing finance.”
Person 1: “Hell yeah, like stocks and shit?”
You: “Yeah, just like that.” – walk away

Sample Conversation: Law School

Person 1: “Great to see you. Where are you working?”
You: “I’m in law school.”
Person 1: “That’s awesome. What kind of law are you wanting to do?”
You: (anxiety sets in) “I have no clue, and even if I did, it probably wouldn’t make sense to you.”

There’s really no right way to handle these. Any answer outside of “go to hell” invites follow up questions that you won’t feel like answering. Your best bet is to have a canned answer prepared that provides way too much information. Something like, “Well I’m doing accounting for a midstream oil and gas company incorporated under the laws of Delaware, but our principal office is in Fort Worth. We have active operations in 7 states…” If executed properly, you’ll ensure that this person and anyone within a 5-foot radius will not be asking any more questions about what you do now.

Game Day Morning

You’re feeling miserable. Despite closing down the bar and a sketchy appearance at a late-night, you’re awake at 8am. Your BAC is twice the legal limit and you’re drinking tap water out of a paper cup that says Embassy Suites. You should try to do breakfast with other alumni in the same position. Avoid doing anything with the guy who went home early so he’d be fully rested for Saturday. Fuck that guy and his prudent, responsible actions. Your best bet is Mexican food because even if the sight of a plate full of huevos rancheros makes you nauseous, there’s always chips and salsa to pick at for an hour.

Tailgate

Crack a beer as soon as you park. Not only does this give the appearance that you’re looking to rage, it’s also a way to gauge how the taste/smell of alcohol is going to affect you. Maybe you’ll be fine and pick up where you left off at 3am, but there’s always the chance that you’ll start sweating and dry heaving uncontrollably. You don’t want to risk being the old guy projectile vomiting at tailgate. It’ll kill the already small chance you had at landing a coed, and you’ll forever be known as the old fuck who blows chunks on game day. Also, you should probably stick to beer or risk not even making the game. Depending on how shitty your team is, this can actually be a good move. Someone always gives it hell at tailgate and ends up back at the hotel passed out for 4 hours. This can work in your favor because you’re probably going to need a nap at some point, but you’ll be running the risk of being wide awake and ready to hit the bars at 7 while everyone else is struggling to maintain consciousness.

Post Game Bar

This is by far the biggest shitshow of the weekend. There’s going to be a lot of people that have no business, both legally and socially, being in public. You’ll probably fall into this category. You need to consider how far your Sunday drive home is, and what the absolute latest time you can leave town is. There are few things worse than sitting down in the shower and barely being able to function before a 4-hour drive home. You may be tempted to go all out, do something weird, and leave it all on the field since it’s your last night in town. If you’re not driving back and don’t mind being the dickhead who sleeps the entire trip home, go for it. If not, limit yourself to avoid what will likely be a 48-hour hangover, and a Sunday night filled with regret and anxiety.

Originally published on totalfratmove.com